It has been a time of transition in our household. Our oldest daughter is now off to college some 1,700 miles away, leaving us one short for the first time in 18 years. It is no understatement to say I was less prepared for this change than I thought even though we had ample notice. I have the stinging memory of the last time we said goodbye on freshman dropoff weekend. Baylor University does a great job helping with what is inevitably a tough moment, but the hollow feeling in my stomach as we hugged and she ran off to join the throngs of other kids was undeniable. It hurt, but reflecting on that moment has made me think about how we have such a very short time to make an impact. Roughly 936 weeks between birth and 18 years old – how are we purposefully making a positive impact in those weeks, every week?
I chose weeks as it is too onerous to think of this in days or hours (6,570 days, 157,680 hours) although certainly impact is made in both large and small activities. I find it is simply too hard to proactively plan and focus on a scale smaller than a week.
As I reflect on those 936 weeks with my oldest, some weeks were really easy quality time together during vacation or holidays. Although I have to ask myself, even in those easy moments was my ledger more positive impact than negative? To be honest, it is probably too close to call on some of these periods, even though time for meaningful impact was abundant. We had our share of fond memories and moments that outshine others. Moments that stand out such as birthdays, baptisms, sports events or occasions where the focus was entirely on forging a relationship. Other times the moments were more fleeting, like a few precious minutes at bedtime or a warm hug and back scratch on the way out the door. All precious, but purposeful? I would have to say generally no.
How have I purposefully made a positive impact in a way that took my child and developed her into an adult ready to leave and go out on her own successfully? I can’t answer. She is ready, I know that and can see that she is going to be a successful adult, but there are also so many life lessons that I could or should have imparted but never did. Some lessons, more practical, I tried to cram into her on the final weeks and days before that moment when we hugged, and I reticently let her go. Thinking back, I realize that these last-minute lessons were fleeting, felt forced, and often had poor timing. The result? They lacked in impact.
You might rightfully ask what I am doing differently with my other children, or how could I do it differently? In pondering this, I am embarking on an expedition to map the areas and lessons that I believe best reflect a well-rounded and well-equipped adult should know. I won’t go into all the specifics here, but map out what you believe are lessons and characters that match your morals, expectations and result in an independent individual with whom you would want to be a friend. With these as a compass, I look for the moments and share. It can be as simple as sharing how a budget keeps your financial life in order during a shopping trip or when you have a flat to teach roadside safety and how to change a tire. The topic is from my list, the moments are sought in context and when there is an opportunity. I have found opportunities in both moments of correction and affirmation, but if you know what you want to get across, your life lesson plan, then you are ready to pass along the things you believe critical.
Sitting here now I still don’t have all the answers, but I am committed to being more proactive and purposeful in looking for opportunities and even in creating chances to share and make a difference beyond the random. It has forced me to think before I speak in sarcasm, anger, or fear lest I ruin an opportunity or tip the scales into a negative balance. Above all I actively seek out the quiet moments together with my children and rather than let them pass by without impact I seek to delve deeper into their lives, their issues, and dreams in the hope of using these moments to make a real difference. In the end, I don’t think it will be easier to let go of my other children when the time comes, but I hope to have used my 936 weeks well. And after all, I still get to call, text, visit and talk regularly, so maybe I can add to the weeksas I transition from to parent to trusted advisor.